Park Tudor Courageous Conversations

Park Tudor School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Courageous Conversations
In and Out of the Classroom
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

About Seattle Girls’ School

Agenda
 Courageous Conversations
 Developmental Timeline
 Navigating Ouch Moments
 Engaging Authentically

Courageous Conversations
in Our Schools and Lives

The Jones Model of Cultural Competence
Cultural Self-
Awareness
Cultural
Intelligence
Cross-Cultural
Effectiveness
Skills
Countering
Oppression
through
Inclusion

Examining Ourselves
William Taylor’s Reflective Competence Model

Developmentally Appropriate
Conversations

Early Awareness of Difference
Age Signs
6 months Can discern racial feature differences
3 years Awareness of own and others’ gender.
Beginning awareness of gender roles
5 years Desire to categorize – self, others
Curiosity about meaning of differences
Aware of biases
7 years Can regulate biases versus behaviors
Starting to parrot adult messages
3rd grade Are aware of societal stereotypes
cross group play can increase
5th grade Have internalized stereotypical messages
cross group play can decrease

When They’re Little
Theme: Trying to Understand the World
 Curiosity based questions about difference
 Find out what they’re actually asking
 Find out why they’re asking
 Answer their questions straightforwardly
 Model and coach humility, delight, and
curiosity about difference
 Be mindful of children’s media – it’s not
always good for kids

Curricular Approaches
 Exposure Base
 Allowing Questions
 Gentle Guidance
 Modeling Comfort With Discussions
 Expanding Definition of What’s Possible
 Fairness, Kindness, and Rightness

Examples
 The Black Santa Story
 The Jackie Robinson Story
 What Makes a Family?
 Alternate Fairy Tales
 Dress-Up Corner
 Guest Speakers That Defy Stereotypes

In the Middle Years
Theme: Who Am I? How Do I Have Power?
 “Friendship Extinction Event”
 Identity search through grouping
 Good and bad cliques
 Open their horizons about identity
 Be steady through their rollercoaster
 Coach more, teach less

Curricular Approaches
 Experiential And Discovery Base
 Facilitating Questions and Discussions
 Media Literacy
 Patterns and Systems
 Values and Actions
 Autonomy and Choice
 Justice and Activism

Examples
 Class Mottoes
 Products of Puberty
 Barbie Math
 Nacirema
 What’s So Funny?
 Video Documentary Project
 Pay It Forward

Parents: Partners or Foes?

What Parents Fear and
What We Can Do About It
 “I didn’t know about this stuff…”
 “I don’t have any language around this…”
 “I want to protect their innocence…”
 “Are you teaching my kids values?”
 “I don’t want my kid to feel spotlighted…”
 Heads Up Communication
 Resources and Language
 Clear Reiteration of Mission and Values
 Research and Your Expertise
 Explicit Communication of Parents’ Roles

Break

Debunking Some Myths
 All or None
 Mistakes and Moral Worth
 Apologies
 “Tonsils” Theory
 Vulnerability

Speaking From the Heart

What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Receiving the Ouch
Did that really
happen? Do they
realize? I want to
trust, but I’ve had
this happen so
many times before.
I am so stressed,
confused, hurt….

What We End Up Saying
When Receiving the Ouch
That was so
offensive!
I can’t believe
you did that!

Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment
 Affirm the person or relationship
 Describe the behavior without judgment
 Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
 Assume positive intent
 Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***

Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment:
An Example
Is this an okay time to talk to you about something
that happened earlier? I really appreciate having
you as a friend. You’ve helped me through tough
times, and we have so much fun together. Earlier
today, when I got my math test back and I got 98%,
I heard you say, “Well of course you got a 98% -
you’re Asian!” I was really hurt when I heard that.
I work so hard in all my classes and spend a lot of
effort to earn good grades, and it seems like so
many people assume it’s because of my race. It’s
frustrating and saddening to feel like I don’t get to
fully own my accomplishments. I imagine you
didn’t mean for me to feel that way. Can I ask that
you please don’t say things like that anymore?

Practice Round:
Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment
 Affirm the person or relationship
 Describe the behavior without judgment
 Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
 Assume positive intent
 Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***

Being A Witness

What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Witnessing the Ouch
I can’t believe this
is happening.
That’s SO not
right. Should I
say something?
Am I butting in?
Would it help?
I am so upset!

What We End Up Saying
When Witnessing the Ouch

What Others Hear When We Say Nothing
See? They
agree with me!
I am so right
about this.
No one sees or
understands. I
am alone.

NCBI Effective
Interventions Model
 Reduce Defensiveness
– Tone
– Body Language
– Respect
 Keep the Conversation Going
– Hear Them Out
– Ask Open-Ended Questions
– Set Aside Your Feeling for the Moment
– Dialogue
 Build the Relationship
 Stop the Behavior
 Win an Ally

Say Something to Somebody
 Now or Later (or Say It Now About a Later)
 Target, Agent, Fellow Bystanders, Authority Figures
“In the End, we will remember not the words of
our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Intervening in the Ouch Moment: Examples
 Ask open ended questions
– “He’s acting like a sissy”
– “How’s he acting? And why is that sissy?”
 Find out the experience motivating the comment
– “Why can’t they just speak English around here?”
– “It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.”
– “I’m sick of my tuition paying for scholarship students.”
– “Tell me more about that.”
 Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going on
(use sparingly)
– “That movie is so gay.”
– “That movie is attracted to other movies? I didn’t know that was possible!”
 Join the person and do not make yourself superior
– “She got that award because she’s black and female.”
– “You know, I hear that a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out why we seem to think when a
black woman gets recognized it must be because of ‘diversity’ stuff rather than that she
earned it.”

Practice Round:
Intervening in the Ouch Moment
 Ask open ended questions
 Find out the experience motivating the comment
 Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going
on (use sparingly)
 Join the person and do not make yourself superior

Listening to the Real Message

What Was Said During the Intervention
Those words or
actions are
hurtful to me.
Please stop.

What We Hear During the Intervention
You are a
bad, bad
person, and I
hate you!

What We Should Hear
During the Intervention
You are basically a good
and decent person. As
with all of us, you’ve
made a mistake in
behavior or words, and
you may not know the
impact they have on
others. I am going to
give you the gift of
information so that you
might act in congruence
with your values.

When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created
 Listen with full attention
 Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
 Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
 Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
*** Moving through these moments with grace is
called shame resilience. It’s a vital skill***

When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created:
Examples
 “I really appreciate your telling me this.”
 “I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”
 “I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel
that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.”
 “I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t
want to respond in a way I’d regret. Do you think
you can help me come up with a better way to
handle that situation after I get into a calmer
place?”
 “I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I
handled very well… Can we talk?”

Final Words of Advice:
Recognize Your Triggers

Find Your Bucket People

Practice Makes
Less Heart-Attack-Inducing

If You Messed Up and You Know It,
Don’t Wait for the Intervention –
Just Apologize

If You’re Really Sorry,
Work to Improve

Build Authentic Relationships

Inclusive Communities

Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee

Final Questions or Comments?

Resources
• Anti-Defamation League
• Brené Brown
• Cross Cultural Connections
(www.CulturesConnecting.com)
• National Coalition Building Institute
• The People’s Institute
• Stirfry Seminars
• Teaching Tolerance
• The Thiagi Group

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