This presentation looks at Spiritual abuse, especially in terms of religious abuse and dysfunctionality in the church setting, as coming largely from dysfunctional families. This theory is explored and initial thoughts on breaking the cycle are considered.

1. Spiritual AbuseSpiritual Abuse
Part 5: Where Do Abusive Churches Come From
Presented by Bob Munson, ThD
Administrator, Bukal Life Care & Counseling Center

2. What is “spiritual abuse”? 2 definitions:
“misuse of a position of power, leadership, or influence
to further the selfish interests of someone other than
the individual who needs help.”
“the manipulation and exploitation of others by
the misuse of spiritual privilege and power.”
The definitions recognize spiritual as greater than
simply supernatural, but includes Tillich's view of
spirit as power combined with meaning.

3. The Bible uses several pictures for the church. Among them
are:

A Family--loving relationships based on a new identity

A Body—symbiotic diversity

Baptized of one Spirit—divinely established unity
These and other images suggest a loving, supportive,
mutuality of the church.

4. One can embrace theology and Biblical interpretation that
promotes abuse:

Sees leaders as unaccountable to members, or
members as required to submit unilaterally to
leaders.

Concentrates ecclesiastical power with the few over
the many.

Places rules or task above people.

Embraces militaristic or divisive metaphors (US
versus THEM)
So Why is the Reality so often
Destructive?

5. But these are symptoms of the problem,
not the cause of the problem.
For example no one is likely to see unilateral
submission to any human authority taught in the
Bible, unless one has brought such a viewpoint
from outside into the interpretation process.
One can say that “sin” is the cause of problems in
the church. It may be true, but is not highly useful.
It is akin to saying that a person died because his
heart stopped.

6. A possible source for dysfunctional
churches is dysfunctional families
The patterns of dysfunctionality learned in
biological families become transmitted into the
church family.
The unwritten rules and relationships developed in
dysfunctional families become the unwritten (or
perhaps written)

7. John Bradshaw has written on 8
characteristics that divide functional and
dysfunctional families
The 8 characteristics have deep parallels with
dysfunctional/abusive churches-- especially the
first 7.
The following compares the 8 characteristics:
<http://www.a-spiritual-journey-of-healing.com/psychology-self-help.html
And several books by John Bradshaw, particularly “The Family”
My first presentation on Spiritual Abuse>

8. 1. Acceptance

Healthy families recognize it is okay to make
mistakes.

Dysfunctional families require members to
always be in control... not make mistakes

Dysfunctional/Abusive churches base individual
worth on performance... mistakes are not
tolerated. (WF)
(WF) refers to Watchmen Fellowship
(GB) refers to Graham Barker

9. 2. Perfection

Healthy families recognize it is okay to be
wrong and admit to being wrong.

Dysfunctional families believe that one must not
admit one is wrong.

Dysfunctional/Abusive churches. Image
conscious. The reputation of the leaders must be
protected (WF)
(WF) refers to Watchmen Fellowship
(GB) refers to Graham Barkerb

10. 4. Freedom

Healthy families recognize its members can have
individual feelings, thoughts, opinions, desires,
and imaginations.

Dysfunctional families see such individuation as
a problem to fix.

Dysfunctional/Abusive churches. Diversity is a
problem. Leaders determine what to think and
feel (WF). Don't think (GB)
(WF) refers to Watchmen Fellowship
(GB) refers to Graham Barker

11. 5. Talk

Healthy families recognize it's okay to talk
honestly.

Dysfunctional families stifle honest
conversation.

Dysfunctional/Abusive churches. Averse to
criticism (WF). Don't talk. (GB)
(WF) refers to Watchmen Fellowship
(GB) refers to Graham Barker

12. 6. Reality

Healthy families understand that it is fine to
recognize there is a problem.

Dysfunctional families practice 'mythmaking,'
denying there are problems.

Dysfunctional/Abusive churches. Image is more
important than truth(WF).
(WF) refers to Watchmen Fellowship
(GB) refers to Graham Barker

13. 7. Reliability

Healthy families are in the process of learning to
trust each other.

Dysfunctional families don't trust each other... or
others.

Dysfunctional/Abusive churches practice “Don't
Trust.” (GB)
(WF) refers to Watchmen Fellowship
(GB) refers to Graham Barker

14. 8. Reconciliation

Healthy families seek to resolve differences.

Dysfunctional families maintain grudges and
hurt feelings without resolution

Dysfunctional/Abusive churches struggle with
reconciliation usually because of problems in the
balancing of Law and Grace.

15. For example. Many churches will seek to maintain
the image of perfection by hiding or denying
mistakes, while at the same time developing a “cult
of confession.” This is however, to maintain the
authority of the leadership. The leaders maintain
double standards, while the membership is blamed
and encouraged to come up with new things to
confess.
It must be noted, however, that some of
these characteristics may seem a bit self-
contradictory. That is because certain ones
apply to certain roles.

16. The Parent-Child Relationship has a
profound effect on the church.
Consider four types of parent:

Authoritarian. Strong on Control. Weak on
Affection/Warmth.

Permissive. Weak on Control. Strong on
Affection.

Neglectful or Rejecting. Weak on Control. Weak
on Affection.

Authoritative. (Medium-) strong on Control.
Strong on Affection.

18. The two types of parenting styles most prone
to be abusive are Authoritarian and
Neglectful/Rejecting
In other words, Low demonstration of
Affection/Warmth (regardless of Control) has a
crushing effect on the child.
A child can model the high control low warmth
parent, or could be driven to hyperachievement
by a neglectful or rejecting parent.

19. Family and Leadership Style
Gary McIntosh and Sam Rima in “The Dark Side of
Leadership” note how leadership styles are
driven by childhood difficulties. They note five
bad leadership styles:

Compulsive

Narcissistic

Paranoid

Co-Dependent

Passive-Aggressive

20. Family and Leadership Style
While all five types are problematic in church, the first
three are most likely to be abusive.

Compulsive Leaders are driven by anger, and are task-
focused rather than people-focused, as well as typically
judgmental

Paranoid Leaders are driven by fear, and will sabotage
others to maintain power.

Narcissistic leaders will damage others for the sake of
their own image. Constantly seeks greater achievements
to feel good about self.

21. Family and Leadership Style
These three leadership types are driven neither by
love of God nor love of others.
They are driven by Anger, Fear, or Selfishness/self-
doubt.
These drives commonly spring from low affection
as children, and other traumatic events.

22. Family and Membership
Children who were abused (physically, sexually,
emotionally) grow up with a lot of baggage that
they bring into their own families, and their own
churches.
For churchmembers, some develop a codependency
that submits to and supports abusive leaders,
because it reflects the relational skills they
developed in dealing with abusive parents.

23. Family and Membership
For others, a church group that is very tight-knit and
strongly directive may be a welcome change
from the neglectful family of their childhood.
These people gradually become accustomed to the more
stifling aspects of such control, and may lack the
background to know the difference between nurturing
and controlling.

24. So What to Do?
There are two problems. What to do when abusive
churches exist, and leaders or members find
themselves in abusive relationships. That is for a
different presentation.
The other problem is how to break the cycle.
Breaking the cycle is tied to healing families.

25. So What to Do?
Healing families, however, is often quite different
than what is taught in church. Commonly, what is
taught in church is how to get families to conform
to a social or sub-cultural norm. That is not always
wrong... but doesn't really deal with the problems
associated with abuse.
People in the church need to understand how a
family is supposed to function relationally.

26. Quote: Esther Schubert
“Most family systems that work effectively provide
maintenance…. and guidance …. Healthy families
provide safety, security, and stability. In contrast,
dysfunctional families are ruled by rigidity,
isolation, denial, and shame. They are unstable,
and produce insecurity and pathology in their
members. When children of dysfunctional families
become adults they continue to see their world
through the filter of dysfunction.

27. Quote: Esther Schubert
…. Children in a dysfunctional family grow up in a
closed system, one that teaches rigidity of roles
and rules that must be played out in order for the
family to survive. Beliefs about people and the
outside world are distorted. The outside is viewed
as an unsafe place. The child learns “don’t talk,
don’t feel, don’t trust.”

28. Quote: Esther Schubert
The boundaries that form structure, certainty, and
consistency within functional families are
distorted or non-existent in dysfunctional families.
These boundaries are... individual boundaries ...
and family boundaries.
Individual boundaries are crossed when children do
not have privacy, when they are abused, or when
they feel their only worth is based on what they
can produce, not who they are. ….

29. Quote: Esther Schubert
Family boundaries can be extremely rigid in which
no one in the family is allowed to communicate
with anyone outside the family for fear that family
secrets and myths will be discovered …”
<Esther Schubert, “Current Issues in Screening and Selection” (for
missionary candidates) in the 1992 book Missionary Member Care:
Counting the Cost for World Evangelism (Kelly O’Donnell editor)>

30. It should be pretty obvious that the patterns
of dysfunctionality in families show up again
in dysfunctional/abusive churches
Churches need to model healthy functional
relationships. This takes having healthy
spiritual leaders. This may take pre-hiring
screening, and post-hiring counseling.

31. It should be pretty obvious that the patterns
of dysfunctionality in families show up again
in dysfunctional/abusive churches
Churches need to train families to develop
functional edifying relationships with the
proper amount of control, and high warmth.
Churches, in addition to modeling and training,
must provide (healing) pastoral care to those
who have been hurt, as well as those who
may be hurtful. (People who are hurt, hurt
others.)

32. References
The Watchmen Fellowship
Barker, Graham. “The Insidious Harm of Spiritual Abuse” Alive Magazine
McIntosh, Gary, and Samuel Riva Sr. “Overcoming the Dark Side of Leaderhip”
Schubert, Esther, “Current Issues in Screening and Selection” (for missionary
candidates) in the 1992 book Missionary Member Care: Counting the Cost for
World Evangelism (Kelly O’Donnell editor)
Bradshaw, John “The Family”
http://www.a-spiritual-journey-of-healing.com/psychology-self-help.html
<And a number of my presentations related to this subject on Slideshare.net.>