1. @shanley

2. thoughts and opinions do not reflect the thoughts and opinions of my employer.
thoughts and opinions do not reflect the thoughts and opinions of my friends.
thoughts and opinions do not necessarily reflect my own thoughts and opinions.
some identities have been changed removed or otherwise obscured.
not all vendors in this presentation are idiots.

3. On the Subject of Negligent,
Incorrect, Dishonest,
Obfuscating, Bordering on
Unethical, Intentionally and
Unintentionally Misleading, And
Otherwise Corrupt Cloud
Computing Marketing. Also
Benchmarks and APIs.

4. On the Subject of Outages.

5. On the Subject of Outages.

6. On the Subject of Outages.

7. On the Subject of Outages.

8. Last Week.

9. 4 years ago.

10. On the Subject of Outages.
• Don’t ambulance chase
• You already fail, and if you don’t, you’re going to and you are going to
look and feel stupid
• Outages are a really awful thing to happen to anybody
• Can your internal team really provide better availability than xxx?

11. On the Subject of Benchmarks.

12. On the Subject of Benchmarks.
your sample code in no way
resembles a large scale
production web app

13. On the Subject of Benchmarks.
your laptop is not a distributed
system

14. On the Subject of Benchmarks.
your ruby on rails script does
not emulate concurrency

15. On the Subject of Benchmarks.
• Don’t publish shitty benchmarks
• Know a shitty benchmark: check for implementation and
concurrency
• There are companies that are optimizing their code for script
kiddies with macbook pros publishing crap benchmarks on their
hipster blogs

16. On the Subject of APIs.

17. On the Subject of APIs.

18. On the Subject of APIs.

19. On the Subject of APIs.
the “API wars” are a deliberant propaganda campaign created by
vendors, reporters and analysts and designed to distract you from what
is really going on.

20. On the Subject of APIs.

21. On the Subject of APIs.
Does the thing the API is attached to remotely work?
Please check
[ ] yes [ ] no

22. On the Subject of APIs.
But seriously…..
[ ] Does the underlying infrastructure make sense
[ ] Are there any production users
[ ] Is the code production ready?
[ ] If it ruins your entire life, do you give a fuck about the API?

23. On the Subject of Nonsense.

24. On the Subject of Nonsense.
the following words don’t
mean anything

25. On the Subject of Nonsense.
• Big Data
- you probably don’t have big data
- the data you wish you had doesn’t count
• Cloud Optimized / Standardized / Maximized / Accelerated
- please never use these words
• Full Stack Solution
- there is no such thing as a full stack solution
- your stack is probably falling apart if you think you have or need this
• Interoperable / portable / compatible
- you can make anything interoperate with enough time and money
- does your app even run right on one cloud?
• Leader / innovator / new-category-inventor
- you probably aren’t leading anything
- the magic quadrant is a lie
- rocketships, waffles and Nicki Minaj are innovative. Your stuff probably isn’t

26. Things That Actually Don’t Exist

27. Things That Actually Don’t Exist

28. Your Buzzwords Hurt My Face
Stop saying things that don’t
mean anything.

29. The Vicious Cycle
Step 1. marketers don’t
understand the technology

30. Step 2 marketers talk to other
people that don’t understand
the technology

31. marketers  analysts
marketers  reporters
And the doomsday scenario…
marketers  marketers

32. Solutions
1. Fire your entire marketing team
2. Hire people who have some vague notion of what they are talking
about
3. Make the marketers talk to engineers.*
*Note: This might be painful for everyone involved.