This presentation offers a detailed exploration into all of the reasons why man is unable to do anything but watch basketball during the NCAA tournament. Plus, it has pictures! Download the full presentation: http://bit.ly/YLX8Ul

1. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT
YOU CAN’T STOP WATCHING
NCAA® MARCH MADNESS®
An exploration into all the reasons man is unable
to do anything but watch basketball during the
NCAA® Tournament. It has pictures!
NCAA, Final Four and March Madness are trademarks
of the National Collegiate Athletic Association

2. EXECUTIVE SUMMARY
I. Man HAS ALWAYS NEEDED sport
II. Basketball is the perfect sport
III. March madness is the ultimate
form of basketball
IV. Conclusion (EPIC)
V. COKE ZERO LOGO

3. Man Riding Mammoth For Sport
SECTION I
FOR AS LONG AS MAN HAS
ROAMED THE EARTH,
HE HAS NEEDED SPORT
page 3

4. EARLY MAN’S ENVIRONMENT MADE
ATHLETIC SKILL R
DANGE ESSENTIAL
SABER-TOOTHED ACTIVE WILD CARELESS
TIGERS VOLCANOES BOULDERS MAMMOTHS
SPRINTING DODGING
PERIPHERAL
VISION JUMPING
SKILL source: Some museum
SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 4

5. SPORT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE
BEST WAY FOR MAN TO SHOW HIS
GENETICALLY DESIRABLE TRAITS
ATTRACTIVENESS
SPORTS BEAR-CLAW HAS NICE GOOD HIGH-PAYING SPACIOUS LITERACY
PROWESS NECKLACE WHEEL WITH KIDS JOB CAVE
source: Cave magazine
SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 5

6. THROUGHOUT HISTORY, PLAYING SPORTS
HAS BROUGHT MAN TOGETHER
TIGER TAG JOUSTING FOOTBALL
42,000 BC, JUNGLE 950, CASTLE 1400, ENGLAND
WRESTLING LACROSSE SAILBOATING
THE BEGINNING 2400 BC, MUD PIT 1100, NATIVE AMERICA 1492, OCEAN
OF TIME
BASEBALL FOOTBALL
1845, FIELD 1900, GRIDIRON
DUELING BASKETBALL HOCKEY TIMEBALL
1830, WILD WEST 1891, FARM 1900, CANADA? 2043, MOON
source: Wikipedia
SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 6

7. THROUGHOUT HISTORY, WATCHING SPORTS
HAS ALSO BROUGHT MAN TOGETHER
TIGER TAG JOUSTING FOOTBALL
42,000 BC, JUNGLE 950, CASTLE 1400, ENGLAND
WRESTLING LACROSSE SAILBOATING
THE BEGINNING 2400 BC, MUD PIT 1100, NATIVE AMERICA 1492, OCEAN
OF TIME
BASEBALL FOOTBALL
1845, FIELD 1900, GRIDIRON
DUELING BASKETBALL HOCKEY TIMEBALL
1830, WILD WEST 1891, FARM 1900, CANADA? 2043, MOON
source: Wikipedia
SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 7

8. WATCHING SPORT TOGETHER SATISFIES
MAN’S INHERENT HERD MENTALITY
1%
RATIONAL THOUGHT
fig. 5
WHY GUYS 3%
DO THINGS
THEY HAVE NO IDEA
3%
TO IMPRESS GIRLS
3.5%
ICE CREAM
89.5%
OTHER GUYS
ARE DOING IT
source: About a hundred other similar graphs
SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 8

9. SPORT IS BETTER THAN: BUYING PAPER TOWELS. SITTING AT A TABLE DOING NOTHING. UNSALTED SNACKS. STAMPS. EYEBALL-
ING MEASUREMENTS. GETTING A HAIRCUT. DRIVING A CARPOOL. RIDING IN A CARPOOL. TALKING TO BORING NEIGHBORS.
USING A COASTER. USING A TOASTER. CHANGING VOICEMAIL. POURING OUT CAT FOOD. TRYING TO REMEMBER SOMEONE’S
NAME. THINKING ABOUT BUFFALOS. DOING YOUR TAXES. WRITING OUT LONG LISTS OF THINGS. READING WORDS. ORDERING
MAYO ON THE SIDE. WAITING IN A DENTIST’S WAITING ROOM. BOOKS ABOUT MOVIES. CHEESE STICKS. CLICKING A PEN FOR A
LONG TIME. UNBENDING A PAPERCLIP. AN OLD HAT. EGG WHITES. SPILLING PASTA SAUCE. CLEANING UP YOUR PASTA SAUCE
SPILL. TAKING OUT THE TRASH. MAKING THE LONG WALK FROM THE STREET TO THE HOUSE. PLAYING SILLY, POINTLESS GAMES.
ONE-WAY FLIRTING. ANTI-SMELL SPRAY. REMEMBERING OLD CARTOONS. NEVER TRYING A COCONUT. JUICE THAT TASTES LIKE
VEGETABLES. DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR THAT DAY. PUTTING AWAY WHAT YOU DECIDED NOT TO WEAR THAT DAY. LAUNDRY.
UGH, I HATE LAUNDRY. CALLING JIM BACK AGAIN. READING ABOUT MATH. MATH ABOUT READING. EATING HALF A SANDWICH.
TRYING TO DO TRICKS WHILE YOU’RE WALKING. DRAWING ON A NAPKIN. SOLVING PUZZLES. CONVERSATIONS ABOUT OLD
THINGS. TRIMMING VARIOUS HAIRS AND SUCH. SHELLING NUTS. DRINKING SELTZER. CONSIDERING CHANGING SEATS BUT NOT.
WISHING YOU WERE DOING SOMETHING ELSE. WALKING AROUND AIMLESSLY. CHANGING THE RADIO STATION. CHANGING THE
RADIO STATION AGAIN . STARING AT SUSAN
FROM ACROSS YOUR SPORT COMPENSATES FOR MAN’S OFFICE. LEANING ON
BRICK WALLS LOOKING
REMEMBERING THOSE
RELATIVELY UNEXCITING LIFE
DGF COOL. NETWORKING.
DIRECTIONS. CHOOS-
ING SUSHI NAMING YOUR HOUSE AFTER A FAMOUS STADIUM. RENTING TUXEDOS. PAYING FOR THINGS. CUTTING A GRAPE-
FRUIT. FIGURING OUT THE CORRECT TITLES FOR PEOPLE. MAKING SURE YOU HAVE A PROTEIN SHAKE EVERY DAY. EATING BED
CEREAL. UPDATING PROFILES. LISTING FAMOUS DOGS. PICKLE SLICES. WORKING ON VARIOUS GYMNASTICS MOVES. ASKING
COWORKERS WHERE TO FIND A GOOD TACO. YOUR FRIEND CHESTER. BREAKING A FLIP-FLOP. WIPING OFF YOUR KEYBOARD.
CONTINUING TO WORK ON REALLY LONG LISTS. TAKING NAPS. GOING TO A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED TRACTOR PULL. ORDERING
FOOD. CONSUMING MEDIA. MAKING GIFS. ADJUSTING THE TEMPERATURE OF THE SHOWER. ACCIDENTALLY REPLYING ALL.
DECORATING FOR VARIOUS HOLIDAYS. SHOPPING FOR TRENDY YET POORLY BUILT SWEDISH FURNITURE ON A RAINY SATUR-
DAY. GIVING PEOPLE THE THUMBS-UP. ANYTHING OF OR RELATING TO BIOCHEMISTRY. LOOKING AT BORING STACKS OF
NUMBER BRICKS ON YOUR COMPUTER. FIGURING OUT VARIOUS TV REMOTES. EXPLAINING THINGS TO YOUR MOTHER. LISTEN-
ING TO YOUR MOTHER EXPLAIN THINGS TO YOU. FARTING. JUST KIDDING, FARTING IS FUN. SITTING INDIAN-STYLE. SMELLING
DELICIOUS FOOD THAT IS NOT YOURS. MATCHING SOCKS. COUNTING FRECKLES. WAITING FOR A TRAIN TO PASS. MAN, THAT’S
A LONG TRAIN. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’M GONNA GO A DIFFERENT WAY. STICKER BOOKS. FILLING OUT VARIOUS DOCUMENTS.
WRITING THANK-YOU NOTES. SEEING HOW LONG YOU CAN HOLD YOUR BREATH. SINGING THE WRONG LYRICS. SPILLING
KETCHUP ON YOURSELF. LOSING YOUR CELL PHONE. PIGS. SPROUTS. FILING FILES IN FILING CABINETS. READING ENTIRE LISTS.
SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 9

10. SPORT IS THE BEST WAY
TO LIVE VICARIOUSLY
SPORT HERO
ASTRONAUT
QUALITIES OF MEN STRENGTH
THAT OTHER MEN WISDOM
WANT TO BE RESPECT
PRESIDENT
INTERNATIONAL
MAN OF MYSTERY
SINGLE BRIAN
FROM NEXT DOOR
source: 2012 Census
SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 10

11. SPORT PROVIDES MAN WITH AN
EMOTIONAL OUTLET
MAN NOT WATCHING SPORT MAN WATCHING SPORT
ANGRY CONFIDENT DEPRESSED HAPPY ANGRY CONFIDENT DEPRESSED HAPPY
IN LOVE BORED DETERMINED SHOCKED IN LOVE BORED DETERMINED SHOCKED
HYSTERICAL FRUSTRATED CONFUSED ???? HYSTERICAL FRUSTRATED CONFUSED ????
source: Extensive Emotional Testing
SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 11

12. The Geometric Beauty of Basketball
SECTION II
BASKETBALL IS THE
PERFECT SPORT
page 12

13. BASKETBALL IS COMPOSED
OF PERFECT ELEMENTS
BASKETS BALLS
source: Baskets: The Documentary
SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 13

14. The basket has long been a
cornerstone of human civilization
MOSES’ BABY BASKET
1500 BC, ANCIENT EGYPT WWI PIGEON BASKETS
1871, FRANCE
WOVEN BASKETS
8000 BC, MESOPOTAMIA FIRST PICNIC BASKETS BASKETS.COM
1720, ROMANIA 1999, USA
THE GOLDEN AGE OF BASKETS
HANDLED BASKETS BICYCLE BASKETS NANOBASKETS
500 BC, DENMARK 1853, USA 2012, USA
INTERWOVEN BASKETS FANCY BASKET CARBON ALLOY EGG BASKETS
1967, CANADA
4000 BC, ALSO MESOPOTAMIA PRESENTED TO PILGRIMS
1621, NEW ENGLAND
source: Baskets: The Documentary
SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 14

15. BALLS HAVE captivated and
influenced mankind EVER SINCE THE
AZTECS FIRST WORSHIPPED THE SUN
ROUND OBJECTS
OF HISTORICAL NOTE
• BasketballS
• Sun
• Earth
• Moon
• EyeballS
• DEFENSIVE ARMADILLOS
• donut holeS
• snowballS
• orangeS
• atomS
• bullet points
source: Baskets: The Documentary
SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 15

16. FILLING AN EMPTY BASKET IS
PSYCHOLOGICALLY FULFILLING
EMPTY BASKET FULL BASKET
HAPPINESS HAPPINESS
FULFILLMENT FULFILLMENT
A SENSE OF PLACE A SENSE OF PLACE
IN THIS WORLD IN THIS WORLD
AMIDST ALL AMIDST ALL
THE CHAOS THE CHAOS
source: Baskets: The Documentary
SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 16

17. THE COMBINATION OF BASKETS AND BALLS
RESULTED IN A NEW FORM OF PERFECTION
BASKETS BASKETBALL BALLS
source: Declassified NSA documents
SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 17

18. EVERY PART OF THE COURT
satisfies AN ELEMENT OF
MAN’S COMPLEX PSYCHE
LOW BLOCKS
Remind man of his FREE-THROW LINE
childhood love of blocks
Man has always
loved free things
HALF-COURT LINE
Perfect distance for man
to attempt low-percentage
shot when alone in gym
THREE-POINT LINE
Gives short man purpose
in tall man’s game
THE PAINT
Man has always preferred
watching paint to
painting paint
source: 1965 Basketball Handbook
SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 18

19. THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE GAME
APPEAL TO MAN’S BASIC NEEDS
35 seconds 34.86 seconds
COLLEGIATE SHOT CLOCK AVERAGE ATTENTION SPAN
120 seconds
AVERAGE COMMERCIAL BREAK
AVERAGE BATHROOM BREAK (#1)
source: 1967 Basketball Handbook
SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 19

20. THROWING THINGS is more fun
than not throwing things
THROWING
NOT THROWING
FUN
BALLS ROCKS BACHELOR PIES BEEHIVES
PARTIES
source: Tibetan scrolls
SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 20

21. THE GREATEST MOMENTS IN BASKETBALL
ARE THE GREATEST MOMENTS IN SPORTS
HIGH SKILL
SLAM DUNK BUZZER BEATER
R
(BASKETBALL)
DIFFICULT PUTT BOWLING A 300
(GOLF) (BOWLING)
HAIL MARY PASS SLAM DUNK
(FOOTBALL) (BASKETBALL)
PERFECT GAME
(BASEBALL)
TRIPLE SIX
DIVING HEADER BUZZER BEATER
(DARTS)
(SOCCER) (BASKETBALL)
LAME BEACH VOLLEYBALL DIG
(VOLLEYBALL)
AWESOME
GRAND SLAM
(BASEBALL)
EPIC SLOG
(CRICKET)
PASSATA SOTTO
(FENCING)
EQUESTRIAN
BALK (EQUESTRIAN)
(BASEBALL)
LOW SKILL
source: Extensive emotional testing
SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 21

22. Man Carrying the Burden of March Madness
SECTION III
NCAA® MARCH MADNESS®
IS THE ULTIMATE FORM
OF BASKETBALL
page 22

23. mad•ness´mæd nis (n.)
1. COLLEGE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT
2. INTENSE EXCITEMENT OR HILARITY
3. A SITUATION THAT SEEMS TO MAKE NO SENSE
source: Dictionary
SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 23

24. When there are 67 games in 21 days,
there is no time for anything
besides basketball
4%
WORK
MARCH 18 THROUGH APRIL 8
6%
FRISBEE
7%
TALKING ABOUT
WATCHING BASKETBALL
8%
66%
DREAMING ABOUT
WATCHING BASKETBALL
WATCHING BASKETBALL
9%
WATCHING BASKETBALL
HIGHLIGHTS
source: Survey of Brian in accounting
SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 24

25. Every game of the tournament FEEDS
man’s attraction to single elimination
POPULAR FORMS OF
SINGLE ELIMINATION
TOURNAMENTS DUELING GLADIATORS PIÑATAS
source: Single Elimination, The Musical
SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 25

26. EVERYBODY IS DOING IT
40,000,000
BRACKETS FILLED OUT
20,000,000
18
CHILDREN NAMED
PEOPLE WATCHING THE FINAL 10,300,000 AFTER SPORTS
ANCHORS
HOURS STREAMING GAME VIDEO
source: The Internet
SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 26

27. NCAA® MARCH MADNESS® GENERATES
LARGE AMOUNTS OF PEER PRESSURE
WATCH NCAA
TOURNAMENT BUY FIREWORKS
PAY TAXES SHOP AT MALLS
PEER PRESSURE AR
V
G
AY
CT
R
C
N
N
B
P
L
JU
NO
SE
AP
DE
FE
AU
JA
JU
O
M
M
source: 30-million sample survey
SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 27

28. the tournament prepares
man for most March/April
water-cooler TOPICS
STEAK
source: Water Cooler Weekly
SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 28

29. March Madness elevates
basketball to extreme
cultural importance.
NCAA
MARCH
MADNESS
ROVER
LANDING INTERNATIONAL
ON MARS KAYAKING
SUMMIT
JIM GETTING PRESIDENTIAL
A NEW GRILL INAUGURATION
CULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE
source: Uncle Terry
SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 29

30. SECTION IV
CONCLUSION
page 30

31. IF
MAN HAS ALWAYS
NEEDED SPORT
AND
BASKETBALL IS THE
PERFECT SPORT
AND
MARCH MADNESS IS THE
ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL
THEN
SECTION IV: CONCLUSION page 31

32. MAN IS COMPLETELY AND
UTTERLY POWERLESS AGAINST
MARCH MADNESS
MAN
100%
AVERAGE ATTENTION SPAN POWERLESS
SECTION IV: CONCLUSION page 32

33. SO:
• Warm up that laser pointer
• Round up those bosses
• And enjoy everything basketball
page 33

34. enjoy everything
page 34