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The Medol Model:
Understanding Shame


    The Gift of Anger Workshop
        November 13, 2011
Shame Is . . .


     A belief or an attitude
that there is something wrong
with you, or with someone else




©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
Characteristics of Shame

   An attitude of disrespect, conditional love
           and conditional acceptance

Assumptions you make or others make about you
         or you make about yourself

                      Supposed to messages

 An unhealthy learned emotion we were taught
       ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
Three Ways to Play the Same Game

    What I believe should be true of YOU:
              “Shame on YOU!”

    What you believe should be true of ME:
              “Shame on ME!”

     What I believe should be true of ME:
               “Shame on ME!”
       ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
If you are supposed to ... then

        If you are not “whatever” is
                          EXPECTED of YOU,
    the “shame message” tells you
  there is something wrong with YOU!

    ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
Players in the Shame Game
  Do you hear or use the words…

                                  Should
                                  Always
                                You better
                                  Have to
                                   Must
                                  Never
                                 Ought to
                                Supposed to
   ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
Players in the Shame Game

                             Do you feel…

                               Demeaned
                                Devalued
                               Discounted
                              Embarrassed
                                 Judged
                                Put down

   ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
Shame Self Test

        Ask yourself…
“Have I done something wrong?”


      If the answer is “NO”
   You are experiencing SHAME



 ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
Recognizing a Shaming Message
   Does it say something is wrong with me or
               with someone else?
      Is it an expectation or assumption?
              Is it a judgment or an opinion?
       Is it disrespectful or destructive?
     Is it hurtful or emotionally crippling?
                           Is it a control device?
         Is it a lie and simply NOT TRUE?
      ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
Emotional Injury from Shame

                               Undermines safety
     Deprives independence and personal growth
          Undermines your faith in yourself
                             Deprives you of love
                          Destroys relationships
Undermines self confidence, self value and self esteem


          ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
Learn More…Let’s Start the Conversation

              Jerry Medol, Director
                jmedol@anger.org
                  816.753.5118

        Rusty Fleischer, Program Director
                 rusty@anger.org

                Website: Anger.org

     Facebook: facebook.com/AngerAlternatives

    SlideShare: slideshare.net/AngerAlternatives

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The Medol Model: Understanding Shame

  • 1. The Medol Model: Understanding Shame The Gift of Anger Workshop November 13, 2011
  • 2. Shame Is . . . A belief or an attitude that there is something wrong with you, or with someone else ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
  • 3. Characteristics of Shame An attitude of disrespect, conditional love and conditional acceptance Assumptions you make or others make about you or you make about yourself Supposed to messages An unhealthy learned emotion we were taught ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
  • 4. Three Ways to Play the Same Game What I believe should be true of YOU: “Shame on YOU!” What you believe should be true of ME: “Shame on ME!” What I believe should be true of ME: “Shame on ME!” ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
  • 5. If you are supposed to ... then If you are not “whatever” is EXPECTED of YOU, the “shame message” tells you there is something wrong with YOU! ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
  • 6. Players in the Shame Game Do you hear or use the words… Should Always You better Have to Must Never Ought to Supposed to ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
  • 7. Players in the Shame Game Do you feel… Demeaned Devalued Discounted Embarrassed Judged Put down ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
  • 8. Shame Self Test Ask yourself… “Have I done something wrong?” If the answer is “NO” You are experiencing SHAME ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
  • 9. Recognizing a Shaming Message Does it say something is wrong with me or with someone else? Is it an expectation or assumption? Is it a judgment or an opinion? Is it disrespectful or destructive? Is it hurtful or emotionally crippling? Is it a control device? Is it a lie and simply NOT TRUE? ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
  • 10. Emotional Injury from Shame Undermines safety Deprives independence and personal growth Undermines your faith in yourself Deprives you of love Destroys relationships Undermines self confidence, self value and self esteem ©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO
  • 11. Learn More…Let’s Start the Conversation Jerry Medol, Director jmedol@anger.org 816.753.5118 Rusty Fleischer, Program Director rusty@anger.org Website: Anger.org Facebook: facebook.com/AngerAlternatives SlideShare: slideshare.net/AngerAlternatives